being at home and being forced to eat with my family (that's now acting like a family and making me hate them even more) has made me gain weight. almost two whole pounds.
i'd like to blame it on thanksgiving, but i got scared. i've gone down two sizes since october. it hasn't even been a month and i've gone down two sizes.
my best friend has spent between two and four hours on the phone or on facebook with me trying to convince me not to kill myself.
he really, really, really wants me to get help.
last night we were fighting. we never fight, never, but for some reason yesterday we were at each other's throats twice. he said 'fuck you.' he's the first person that's ever said that to me and meant it, really meant it.
we talked about what it would look like if i was to kill myself. what would happen to him.
i almost made him cry twice yesterday.
we can't keep living like this anymore.
i can't keep living like this anymore.
but i don't want help. i don't NEED help. i don't. i'm fine.
i'm fine.
and every time i say that to my best friend he gives me this look. like he doesn't believe me, like he'd do anything to change my thoughts.
but he can't.
i'm stubborn and he knows it.
i love him more than anything and i want to make him happy, but i just... i can't give up fighting, even if i'm fighting against safety. im doing okay the way i am.
more later.
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