today's the last day before thanksgiving break, which would be good except that i don't want to go home. ever. i never know how it's going to be when i get home.
yesterday my best friend made me tell my mom (finally) that i'd wanted to give up on sunday and kill myself. we spent a total of five hours on the phone that day. three hours from 12:30 to 3:30 and two more from 8-10. both times he cried. he really thought he was going to lose me.
he was. i had a plan and everything.
looking back there were flaws, but i had to call him to say goodbye. i promised him i would.
i realized something while i was talking to him though; i can either hate what's going on and just end it, give up, or i can hate what's going on and turn it around and fix it. so i told him i wanted to fix it. that i wasn't giving up, that it would be okay.
he cried more then, harder than i've ever heard anyone cry in all the years i've been alive. he was shaking, i could tell. i couldn't understand half of what he was saying, but i knew he was choking out, 'thank you. thank you.' the best part was when he said, 'i don't think i've ever had happy tears before.'
i couldn't stop laughing at him, but it wasn't in a mean way. it was me finally, FINALLY feeling happy again. i needed that laughter. yes, me laughing made him cry harder for a minute, but it was a good crying. we both needed that release.
we keep talking about how i can't cry. i don't know why; i do this thing my best friend calls 'swallowing emotions,' which is basically where i start to feel something and i push it away. i swallow it.
i've been keeping them all in my stomach, and sometimes (especially when i eat) i can feel them there. it's the worst when someone brings up something that makes me need to feel something emotionally. it physically hurts me.
but lately i've been putting too much there because too many upsetting things are happening, so it all moved up into my chest.
my best friend was talking to me about crying and how i need to cry, and he said after school today i'm all his. we're going to find a place where it can be just us and he said 'i'll hold you until you cry. and then i'll hold you until it stops.' i about melted with the sincerity and gentleness of it. he's so sweet. what on earth did i do to deserve someone that cares as much as he do?
nothing.
i don't deserve him.
but yeah, it'll probably be a while til i post again. i'm not really into doing this at home, so...
more later.
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