May 5; 12:17 AM

just fucking die. just die. it's not worth it anymore, just die.

all i keep telling myself, all i can hear in my head.

reached out to my best friend and he literally just said, "fuck you."

im numb and im frantic but at the same time i'm completely calm. i'm perfectly fine. i dont need this shit anymore. i can handle whatever death has in store for me. i dont need life. i'm sick of all of this. and you know what the worst part is?

no one's gonna realize anything was even wrong. they're all gonna be so confused. cause i never let anyone in except my best friend, and i call him a little after midnight and wake him up and he's pissed. he's like, "GO TO SLEEP," but I CANT and i dont have the guts to tell him that i cant stop cutting and i want to fucking die.

i want to kill myself. this is tied for first as time i'm most motivated. i have nothing left to live for, not even my best friends. they don't care anymore, and that's all i was thriving off of. i always had people to give me hugs and smiles, and now they don't even love me.

fifteen forever.

i want them to cremate me. i want candles on the water, because that's the most beautiful.

i need to hurt myself. NOW.

march 26; 121.6 pounds

so much has happened, but i don't feel like explaining.

i've been in and out of rehab-type facilities, and i'm over it.

my best friend is finally listening to me (well, not really me, but listening to the advice i've been trying to give) and backing off. his heart's just too big for his own good, and the way i am is killing him almost as much as it's killing me.

i talked to him about it yesterday, and he got a little teary cause he doesn't trust me to stay alive on my own and he doesn't want me to die. the worst parts were when he said he's going into therapy (BECAUSE OF ME) and that if something happens to me, he's going to hate his mom and the school counselor for the rest of his life because they're the ones that pressured him to listen to what i was saying and give me a little space.

i'm only doing it for his benefit; i don't want to lose my best friend. he keeps saying i'm not losing him, but i am.

i really, really am.