but it was fun. we went to my friend rachel's house and they ate pasta and i lied and said i'd eaten before i got to the group. they had pasta and raspberry and vinegar spinach salad, and it all smelled delicious. i even successfully fought eating the blueberry almond cobbler. i'm proud of myself.
all i ate yesterday was a cup of lowfat yoplait red velvet cake yogurt (100 cals) and a few pieces of cheese (15 cals each) spread across the day. i wound up eating a total of 145 cals yesterday!! :) i felt really good. im down a pound now to 135. still 3 pounds above the ideal weight for my height, so i've got a ton to lose. i want to be skinny, not average.
i have to be perfect.
and i told my best friend this yesterday and he told me i was perfect because i'm different. i didn't know what to say to that, because i know i'm not perfect.
i've been proofreading his college essays, and last night he did something that really surprised me. he wrote one about suicide. suicide and... me.
it was so sweet reading about it. he talked about me and how he wants to help me. it was really really nice, but at the same time it was hard to read. i don't want to have any impact on him. if i do, then when - IF - something happens to me, i go through with what i want to do, i'm hurting him. i can't hurt him when all he's done is help me. that's just cruel.
but i want to hurt myself, even now.
i have therapy today alone for the first time and i'm scared.
i was talking to my best friend about this last night, and he said it was okay to be scared, that it was normal.
i said i didn't care. i don't want to live in fear anymore. then i said i wanted to cry, but i didn't know how.
he offered to be here for me today so i could cry and be safe and not hurt myself, and i wish i could let that happen. i don't completely trust him, but i trust him more than i trust anyone else in the whole world. and i want to open up to him, i do, but the truth is, i'm still afraid he's going to get me in trouble again.
it's his fault that i've been cutting more, his fault that i'm so tired, his fault that my trust is even harder to gain than it was before. he told on me. and i don't want to be in therapy and i don't want to talk to random people about my feelings. i want to talk to my best friend and bee and that's it. i don't care what anyone else thinks, not even my parents.
they've been letting me off the hook for just about everything therapy cause they don't want to deal with it either. which part of me loves and part of me hates. if they loved me, really really loved me, they'd make me go cause they'd want me to go.
last night my mom made me take a quiz to see if i should join a DBT group. only cause one of my therapists wants me to. but anyway, i took the quiz and i never heard anything back from her about it. so i don't know if that means i should be doing it and she's going to wait til i forget about it, or if that means i shouldn't be doing it so she doesn't care about telling me.
knowing my mom, i'm going with the first one.
i have a huge paper due on thursday that i haven't even started yet. i'm really nervous.
i'm going to therapy today and i don't want to. i want to go home and be alone there so i can play my guitar and then sleep for three straight days.
so what do i do to make myself feel better? instead of taking my friend up on his offer to be there when i cry, i'll keep the tears inside for another day and cut instead.
i always feel better that way.
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