november 29; 128 pounds

things are crazy again.

being at home and being forced to eat with my family (that's now acting like a family and making me hate them even more) has made me gain weight. almost two whole pounds.

i'd like to blame it on thanksgiving, but i got scared. i've gone down two sizes since october. it hasn't even been a month and i've gone down two sizes.

my best friend has spent between two and four hours on the phone or on facebook with me trying to convince me not to kill myself.

he really, really, really wants me to get help.

last night we were fighting. we never fight, never, but for some reason yesterday we were at each other's throats twice. he said 'fuck you.' he's the first person that's ever said that to me and meant it, really meant it.

we talked about what it would look like if i was to kill myself. what would happen to him.

i almost made him cry twice yesterday.

we can't keep living like this anymore.

i can't keep living like this anymore.

but i don't want help. i don't NEED help. i don't. i'm fine.

i'm fine.

and every time i say that to my best friend he gives me this look. like he doesn't believe me, like he'd do anything to change my thoughts.

but he can't.

i'm stubborn and he knows it.

i love him more than anything and i want to make him happy, but i just... i can't give up fighting, even if i'm fighting against safety. im doing okay the way i am.

more later.

november 22; 126.2 pounds

hey y'all, i'm back. i guess i just need to vent about what's going on.

today's the last day before thanksgiving break, which would be good except that i don't want to go home. ever. i never know how it's going to be when i get home.

yesterday my best friend made me tell my mom (finally) that i'd wanted to give up on sunday and kill myself. we spent a total of five hours on the phone that day. three hours from 12:30 to 3:30 and two more from 8-10. both times he cried. he really thought he was going to lose me.

he was. i had a plan and everything.

looking back there were flaws, but i had to call him to say goodbye. i promised him i would.

i realized something while i was talking to him though; i can either hate what's going on and just end it, give up, or i can hate what's going on and turn it around and fix it. so i told him i wanted to fix it. that i wasn't giving up, that it would be okay.

he cried more then, harder than i've ever heard anyone cry in all the years i've been alive. he was shaking, i could tell. i couldn't understand half of what he was saying, but i knew he was choking out, 'thank you. thank you.' the best part was when he said, 'i don't think i've ever had happy tears before.'

i couldn't stop laughing at him, but it wasn't in a mean way. it was me finally, FINALLY feeling happy again. i needed that laughter. yes, me laughing made him cry harder for a minute, but it was a good crying. we both needed that release.

we keep talking about how i can't cry. i don't know why; i do this thing my best friend calls 'swallowing emotions,' which is basically where i start to feel something and i push it away. i swallow it.

i've been keeping them all in my stomach, and sometimes (especially when i eat) i can feel them there. it's the worst when someone brings up something that makes me need to feel something emotionally. it physically hurts me.

but lately i've been putting too much there because too many upsetting things are happening, so it all moved up into my chest.

my best friend was talking to me about crying and how i need to cry, and he said after school today i'm all his. we're going to find a place where it can be just us and he said 'i'll hold you until you cry. and then i'll hold you until it stops.' i about melted with the sincerity and gentleness of it. he's so sweet. what on earth did i do to deserve someone that cares as much as he do?

nothing.

i don't deserve him.

but yeah, it'll probably be a while til i post again. i'm not really into doing this at home, so...

more later.

november 19th; haven't weighed in yet

yesterday was my half birthday, today's my best friend's half birthday. he's seventeen and a half now. he's old. :)

today's been hard.

though there's a plus - i got a perfect score on a piece i did for english. my teacher only gave out 2 perfect scores in the whole grade. :)

she read it to the class and then during my study hall she called me out of class so i could bring it back to her so she could read it to the other period.

last night my best friend stayed on the phone with me for two hours cause i felt really really bad, and it was sweet of him but we kept yelling at each other and then stopping and starting up again. he's my best friend. i love him. why does everyone fight?

i get upset cause i'm stubborn, he starts the yelling cause he gets frustrated really fast, and i keep it going cause i can't talk over him when he's frustrated.

he pulled some bible verses for me, but i didn't understand why. i always understand his bible verses. it's just difficult, isn't it? trying to heal yourself alone. i can't do it, and my best friend and i both know it. i won't admit it cause i don't want to go through with what it'll take to fix everything that's wrong with me.

i'm freaked; what happens when i have a doctor's appointment? i've lost 20 pounds since i've been there, and there are scars literally all over my body. i can't hide them, i've tried. cover-up, powder... nothing works.

and now 2 of my friends, jenny and evan, are fighting. they're supposed to be a couple, but supposedly he's cheating on her with this girl named megan. she's younger than us, and she seems dangerous. sweet. but dangerous.

i'm tired of there being fighting everywhere i go. i don't want to hurt myself, i don't want to be afraid anymore.

i'm tired of feeling like this.

november 17th yet again; 128.2 pounds!

my short-term goal was 129 by sunday. i guess i wasn't shooting high enough! i'm down to 128, yall! :) yay! all this hard work, determination and pain are paying off! my original goal was 140. then 135, then 129. i made all of it! the hardest part is going to be to keep fighting, keep losing.

pain is temporary; that's what i keep telling myself to get through it all. it'll be worth it when i look beautiful.

i'm officially under the ideal weight for my size. not UNDERweight, under the ideal weight. i long for the day when i'm underweight.

i stopped trusting my scale today; it's really old and rarely gets used. instead i weighed myself on the wii fit balance board naked, and i got 128 pounds! i was so excited i did a little dance. i couldn't even contain myself.

it makes me not want to cut tonight.

i told my best friend i'd try not to. and i WILL try, but i don't know. i don't know how the rest of the night will go.

i still have homework...

bible study with him was fun though. they turn off the lights and have candles, and they stand and hold hands and pray... it's amazing. the whole time i could feel myself shaking, but my best friend was there and he kept looking at me, making sure i was okay.

he really wants me to get back with god. and so do i, but he wants it more, and i think right now i'm too focused on self-destruction to figure out what to do about god. no offense. i still love him, i do, but i don't know what to do about it, so i let it stay there.

he had to go pick up some papers from the office, and while he was doing that, i casually wandered a few feet away from him to go peek into the church.

i'm presbyterian, so we don't have a crucifix at the front of the church.

he saw me looking at it through the door, and he came over. "you wanna go in?" he asked.

i shook my head no, smiling.

"come on," he said. "it's okay." he opened the door and we walked in. the lights were off, and it was pitch black. but i could make out the shape of the cross and the body on it.

he put his arm around me and we stood there for a moment. my best friend and me, staring at jesus's limp body.

i could feel the emotions in my stomach waking up, and i quickly pulled out from under his arm and away.

he said my name and i ignored him, and then he caught up to me outside.

"you 'kay?" he asked.

i nodded, staring at my converse.

he stepped forward, wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. i rested my head on his shoulder and slowly, agonizingly, breathed in and out a few times before pulling back.

then we walked up to where my mom had parked the car. he got there first and opened the door for me, thanked my mom twice for driving me. we both said at the same time, like nothing had happened, "see you tomorrow," and that was it.

hopefully i won't do any more damage tonight.

november 17th again; 131.8 pounds

so today i did something i've never done before. i voluntarily showed my best friend my scars. the only time i've ever shown anyone my scars was when the counselor at school MADE me show her so she could see how deep i was going, how much i was cutting, etc.

i cut last night for the first time on my left arm. i don't really know why because i'm right-handed, but i always cut with my left hand. but i did it with my right last night because i needed motor control because i carved my name into my arm.

after school i was talking to my best friend and i muttered, "my arm is freaking BURNing." i didn't think he heard me, but then he said what and i said what, and then he repeated what i said as a question.

i sighed and nodded. "it hurts."

"i bet," he said. "maybe it's a sign. maybe you need to stop."

"no," i countered. "it's never hurt before."

"show me," he said softly.

i looked around at all the people in the courtyard and shook my head. "no. there's people everywhere," i said.

"come here," he said, pulling me a few feet away.

"but it says my name," i argued. "i don't want you to-"

"please," he said. his tone was so quiet that i gave in, pulled up my sleeve. i left my eyes on him the whole time. his eyes widened when he saw what i'd done; the letters cut into me, the way you could see it already trying to heal over, the way he knew it would easily leave a scar.

he cleared his throat and looked into my eyes. "you're gonna be wearing hoodies for a long time, aren't you? that's not gonna come off easy."

i nodded. i've worn sweatshirts every day since i was in 6th grade. when i don't have one on, people always come up to me and go, "you aren't wearing a sweatshirt!" it's kind of funny, actually. they're always surprised at how much less i weigh than they assumed i did. the only people who knew what my body looked like were the girls i cheered with. it was kind of unavoidable for them to see me.

but anyway -

after that, we were quiet for a minute, and i let my eyes wander away from him and over to where all my other friends were standing. i left my gaze there as i said, "you know, i've never done that before."

"yeah. and let's hope it doesn't happen again."

i looked at him confused. "i've never just shown anyone my scars."

he smiled at me. "and that was a big step for you. i was actually surprised that you let me see. but i told you i'd be here for every little step you had to take. and here i am."

he opened his arms for me, and i stepped in. he gave me a casual hug since there were so many other people there, and i was okay with that.

tonight i'm meeting him at his church for bible study. i'm nervous and excited. last time i had a lot of fun, but it's a god thing, so naturally, i'm freaked. i miss god. he was always there, always. and i lost him, and it was probably the worst thing i ever did.

i've got to go pretend to eat now. wish me luck.

november 17th; didn't weigh in this morning

last night was okay.

therapy went... like i expected. no tears from me, no agreement to sign the paperwork from my mom.

my best friend's not happy with me right now. we had a really long talk yesterday before i left. it was hard. i felt like i couldn't even say anything cause he looked so serious and i'm not used to that. he's really really trying to gain my trust back, and i'm fighting him. i don't want to get hurt again. it was cold outside while we sat in the courtyard alone and talked for half an hour. actually, it was mostly either him talking or both of us just sitting in silence. i was busy trying not to have a panic attack.

he noticed i was shaking and he said it, a simple statement. i've never had anyone tell me i was shaking before.

when we got up, he held me. i say that instead of 'he hugged me,' cause in all honesty, i was collapsed against his shoulder, trying not to burst into tears. when we pulled apart, he could tell i was trying not to cry, and he offered me another hug. at first i said yes, but i promised myself a long time ago that i wouldn't cry in front of him until he's leaving for college, and i hate breaking promises. so i changed my mind, shook my head.

"you sure?" he asked.

"yeah," i replied. i told him i didn't want to cry, and he said no to take offense, but that he wanted me to. he's been fighting for this for so long. and i've been fighting the tears longer than he's known they aren't coming out.

the thing that surprised me the most was that he looked like he was going to cry. i've heard him crying on the phone, and i've heard that he's cried over me from other people, but i've never seen the tears. and he's never seen mine.

last night when i got home from all the craziness that happened with my best friend and with therapy, i was so upset that i couldn't even eat. so i went up to my room and sat on facebook until i couldn't feel anything anymore. then i watched a mediocre glee and went back to my room.

i tried to fight the insomnia, but i had to give up. i turned on my light and my laptop, and i started making a cd of disney cartoon songs for my best friend's half-birthday on friday. he's going to be seventeen and a half. we're a year and 364 days apart, which i think is funny, cause we can't technically say we're two years apart cause we're not. i'm may 18th and he's may 19th, but he's '93 and i'm '95.

okay, i've got math homework due next period and i'm not done. so i'll do that now.

bye.

november 16th again; 132.8 pounds

i'm back... this afternoon was crazy.

i got approved to go to bible study with my best friend by my mom today, which is good. i got a 95 on a history project that i worked really, really hard on. i also got a 6 out of 20 on a quiz for the same class, which sucked. then my math grade dropped 7 points cause of a bad test. that was really disappointing cause i got a 94 on the quiz.

but my friend jenny's failing two classes right now, and i think i'm passing all of mine.

today i've eaten:

a cup of yoplait fat free yogurt (100 cals)

a piece of cheese (15 cals)

a low-sodium mini can of V8 (70 cals)

for a grand total of 185 cals. :)

it's only 8, though. i might eat again. who knows. i'm doing pretty well this week so far. my best friend is threatening to force-feed me cookies, and i hate that. he knows i like to watch the numbers on the scale go down.

i'm praying it was right this time, cause yesterday it told me it was 135, and now i'm over 2 pounds lighter. i hope yesterday it lied to me.

okay. i've gotta go work on my homework some more.

a demain.

november 16th; 135 pounds

so last night, i went to bible study. i didn't really get anything out of it. at all. we talked about tithing... that's not really important to me or any of the girls in my group right now.

but it was fun. we went to my friend rachel's house and they ate pasta and i lied and said i'd eaten before i got to the group. they had pasta and raspberry and vinegar spinach salad, and it all smelled delicious. i even successfully fought eating the blueberry almond cobbler. i'm proud of myself.

all i ate yesterday was a cup of lowfat yoplait red velvet cake yogurt (100 cals) and a few pieces of cheese (15 cals each) spread across the day. i wound up eating a total of 145 cals yesterday!! :) i felt really good. im down a pound now to 135. still 3 pounds above the ideal weight for my height, so i've got a ton to lose. i want to be skinny, not average.

i have to be perfect.

and i told my best friend this yesterday and he told me i was perfect because i'm different. i didn't know what to say to that, because i know i'm not perfect.

i've been proofreading his college essays, and last night he did something that really surprised me. he wrote one about suicide. suicide and... me.

it was so sweet reading about it. he talked about me and how he wants to help me. it was really really nice, but at the same time it was hard to read. i don't want to have any impact on him. if i do, then when - IF - something happens to me, i go through with what i want to do, i'm hurting him. i can't hurt him when all he's done is help me. that's just cruel.

but i want to hurt myself, even now.

i have therapy today alone for the first time and i'm scared.

i was talking to my best friend about this last night, and he said it was okay to be scared, that it was normal.

i said i didn't care. i don't want to live in fear anymore. then i said i wanted to cry, but i didn't know how.

he offered to be here for me today so i could cry and be safe and not hurt myself, and i wish i could let that happen. i don't completely trust him, but i trust him more than i trust anyone else in the whole world. and i want to open up to him, i do, but the truth is, i'm still afraid he's going to get me in trouble again.

it's his fault that i've been cutting more, his fault that i'm so tired, his fault that my trust is even harder to gain than it was before. he told on me. and i don't want to be in therapy and i don't want to talk to random people about my feelings. i want to talk to my best friend and bee and that's it. i don't care what anyone else thinks, not even my parents.

they've been letting me off the hook for just about everything therapy cause they don't want to deal with it either. which part of me loves and part of me hates. if they loved me, really really loved me, they'd make me go cause they'd want me to go.

last night my mom made me take a quiz to see if i should join a DBT group. only cause one of my therapists wants me to. but anyway, i took the quiz and i never heard anything back from her about it. so i don't know if that means i should be doing it and she's going to wait til i forget about it, or if that means i shouldn't be doing it so she doesn't care about telling me.

knowing my mom, i'm going with the first one.

i have a huge paper due on thursday that i haven't even started yet. i'm really nervous.

i'm going to therapy today and i don't want to. i want to go home and be alone there so i can play my guitar and then sleep for three straight days.

so what do i do to make myself feel better? instead of taking my friend up on his offer to be there when i cry, i'll keep the tears inside for another day and cut instead.

i always feel better that way.

hi. nice to meet you.

okay, so i'm going to start from the beginning.

i'm fifteen years old. i'm suicidal and i cut myself.

i'm dealing with anorexia now, too, which i hate. it starts as a stress thing and then i get obsessed with losing weight. i pulled out of it once, but i fell back in a few months later. i'm scared i'm not going to be able to get past it because as much as i hate it, i think i love it more.

my main support group consists of my gay friend, bee, and my best friend.

bee's a freshman in college and he lives by me, but we're both killer busy and i never see him anymore. i miss him.

then there's my best friend. he's a senior and he's always there for me, always. he always says i love you when we hang up the phone or even if he walks away cause he knows i don't ever get that at home. he knows that more than anything i want to be loved. and right now i'm distancing myself from him on purpose and it's really upsetting him. but i'm only doing it cause last week - well i guess now it's been two weeks - he told the school counselor that i wanted to die.

she said he was almost crying when he went in to talk to her, which really upset me. i hate that i'm hurting him.

he's really frustrated with me cause he wanted ME to be the one to tell my mom, not someone else. that was all he asked of me in all this time he's been trying to protect me from myself. but i couldn't get the guts to tell.

my parents are really different from me. they're really conservative. i'm more of a lover. i'm a vegetarian. i'm an activist. i fight for what i believe in, and i don't let people push me around. you'll know if i'm mad at you cause i've realized the only thing i have to be afraid of is myself. i don't care what other people think.

my parents on the other hand... they both have really respectable jobs. they're really defensive and they always want to be doing something controlling. i hate that.

my mom found out from the school that i was cutting and she was like 'don't be stressed out.' i have an anxiety disorder. she was like, 'don't pay attention to the things that bother you.' i have a panic disorder. she was like, 'just ignore all those thoughts.' i have OCD and anorexia. i'm suicidal. i cut myself.

she's all about controlling. she doesn't realize that i don't want her.

she doesn't realize that i need my space. that's why i'm always shut up in my room by myself.

and i do have some releases; i write. i paint. i play guitar. i write music.

but of course, all those releases are dangerous. i can take out my anger through them, let myself sit in those feelings, drag myself back down into the darkness.

and i love my best friend; i want him around, always. i want him to be there when i'm upset just to sit there and not say anything. just keep me so i'm not alone. i want him to hold me when i want to hurt myself, when i'm having a panic attack. just hold me close to him and let me breathe.

but that's not really possible; he's applying to college and i'm busy with school and music and things that aren't really important.

i admire him so much and he doesn't even realize it.

i always tell him he's perfect. he tells me he's not, but he is. i swear, he's the angel god sent to watch over me, to let me know i'm not alone.

and that's another thing; i lost god. i lost him about a year ago. church used to be home. and now, it's a place where i'm uncomfortable. i always feel out of place.

my best friend is a huge believer in god, and especially when he found out i was hurting myself, he's been trying to help me find god. this week he's decided to take me to bible study with him. i'm nervous.

ten minutes til this class is over.

nobody knows about the eating disorder. a few people know i'm cutting, and only three know that i want to die.

and whether my best friend thinks he's got my trust back or not, he doesn't. i'm not telling him about the eating disorder. it's imperative that he never finds out. it's imperative that no one finds out.

i have to be alone in this. i can't risk anyone trying to help me anymore. it's too dangerous.

three minutes.

i'm gonna go now. thanks for reading.