november 17th yet again; 128.2 pounds!

my short-term goal was 129 by sunday. i guess i wasn't shooting high enough! i'm down to 128, yall! :) yay! all this hard work, determination and pain are paying off! my original goal was 140. then 135, then 129. i made all of it! the hardest part is going to be to keep fighting, keep losing.

pain is temporary; that's what i keep telling myself to get through it all. it'll be worth it when i look beautiful.

i'm officially under the ideal weight for my size. not UNDERweight, under the ideal weight. i long for the day when i'm underweight.

i stopped trusting my scale today; it's really old and rarely gets used. instead i weighed myself on the wii fit balance board naked, and i got 128 pounds! i was so excited i did a little dance. i couldn't even contain myself.

it makes me not want to cut tonight.

i told my best friend i'd try not to. and i WILL try, but i don't know. i don't know how the rest of the night will go.

i still have homework...

bible study with him was fun though. they turn off the lights and have candles, and they stand and hold hands and pray... it's amazing. the whole time i could feel myself shaking, but my best friend was there and he kept looking at me, making sure i was okay.

he really wants me to get back with god. and so do i, but he wants it more, and i think right now i'm too focused on self-destruction to figure out what to do about god. no offense. i still love him, i do, but i don't know what to do about it, so i let it stay there.

he had to go pick up some papers from the office, and while he was doing that, i casually wandered a few feet away from him to go peek into the church.

i'm presbyterian, so we don't have a crucifix at the front of the church.

he saw me looking at it through the door, and he came over. "you wanna go in?" he asked.

i shook my head no, smiling.

"come on," he said. "it's okay." he opened the door and we walked in. the lights were off, and it was pitch black. but i could make out the shape of the cross and the body on it.

he put his arm around me and we stood there for a moment. my best friend and me, staring at jesus's limp body.

i could feel the emotions in my stomach waking up, and i quickly pulled out from under his arm and away.

he said my name and i ignored him, and then he caught up to me outside.

"you 'kay?" he asked.

i nodded, staring at my converse.

he stepped forward, wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. i rested my head on his shoulder and slowly, agonizingly, breathed in and out a few times before pulling back.

then we walked up to where my mom had parked the car. he got there first and opened the door for me, thanked my mom twice for driving me. we both said at the same time, like nothing had happened, "see you tomorrow," and that was it.

hopefully i won't do any more damage tonight.