May 5; 12:17 AM

just fucking die. just die. it's not worth it anymore, just die.

all i keep telling myself, all i can hear in my head.

reached out to my best friend and he literally just said, "fuck you."

im numb and im frantic but at the same time i'm completely calm. i'm perfectly fine. i dont need this shit anymore. i can handle whatever death has in store for me. i dont need life. i'm sick of all of this. and you know what the worst part is?

no one's gonna realize anything was even wrong. they're all gonna be so confused. cause i never let anyone in except my best friend, and i call him a little after midnight and wake him up and he's pissed. he's like, "GO TO SLEEP," but I CANT and i dont have the guts to tell him that i cant stop cutting and i want to fucking die.

i want to kill myself. this is tied for first as time i'm most motivated. i have nothing left to live for, not even my best friends. they don't care anymore, and that's all i was thriving off of. i always had people to give me hugs and smiles, and now they don't even love me.

fifteen forever.

i want them to cremate me. i want candles on the water, because that's the most beautiful.

i need to hurt myself. NOW.

march 26; 121.6 pounds

so much has happened, but i don't feel like explaining.

i've been in and out of rehab-type facilities, and i'm over it.

my best friend is finally listening to me (well, not really me, but listening to the advice i've been trying to give) and backing off. his heart's just too big for his own good, and the way i am is killing him almost as much as it's killing me.

i talked to him about it yesterday, and he got a little teary cause he doesn't trust me to stay alive on my own and he doesn't want me to die. the worst parts were when he said he's going into therapy (BECAUSE OF ME) and that if something happens to me, he's going to hate his mom and the school counselor for the rest of his life because they're the ones that pressured him to listen to what i was saying and give me a little space.

i'm only doing it for his benefit; i don't want to lose my best friend. he keeps saying i'm not losing him, but i am.

i really, really am.

december 18; 131.8 lbs

im gaining again. it's gonna keep getting worse and worse, cause we're on christmas break and i have to eat all the time at home. we go out to eat every night, so im forced to eat food with tons of sodium and calories i cant count.

i may be going ice skating with some friends soon, which would be fun. i havent done that in like 2 years.

i also got invited to the taylor swift concert by a friend who has an extra ticket. my best girlfriend and 2 more of my girlfriends are going, and it would be fun. ive never been to see her before cause she sucks live, but i bet it would be fun anyway.

thinking about starting a peter pan story on my fanfiction account... haven't decided yet.

last night i went to a crazy fun party. i was afraid there was gonna be alcohol, but there wasnt which was good. just loud music and dancing and like 50 of my friends. it was great.

ill update the last couple weeks later; its just been really crazy with a ton of tests and then exams, so thats why i was gone.

oh, and i spent a little while in rehab. woo-hoo.

so yeah, ill give a recap later.

right now it's time to go eat. kill me.

november 29; 128 pounds

things are crazy again.

being at home and being forced to eat with my family (that's now acting like a family and making me hate them even more) has made me gain weight. almost two whole pounds.

i'd like to blame it on thanksgiving, but i got scared. i've gone down two sizes since october. it hasn't even been a month and i've gone down two sizes.

my best friend has spent between two and four hours on the phone or on facebook with me trying to convince me not to kill myself.

he really, really, really wants me to get help.

last night we were fighting. we never fight, never, but for some reason yesterday we were at each other's throats twice. he said 'fuck you.' he's the first person that's ever said that to me and meant it, really meant it.

we talked about what it would look like if i was to kill myself. what would happen to him.

i almost made him cry twice yesterday.

we can't keep living like this anymore.

i can't keep living like this anymore.

but i don't want help. i don't NEED help. i don't. i'm fine.

i'm fine.

and every time i say that to my best friend he gives me this look. like he doesn't believe me, like he'd do anything to change my thoughts.

but he can't.

i'm stubborn and he knows it.

i love him more than anything and i want to make him happy, but i just... i can't give up fighting, even if i'm fighting against safety. im doing okay the way i am.

more later.

november 22; 126.2 pounds

hey y'all, i'm back. i guess i just need to vent about what's going on.

today's the last day before thanksgiving break, which would be good except that i don't want to go home. ever. i never know how it's going to be when i get home.

yesterday my best friend made me tell my mom (finally) that i'd wanted to give up on sunday and kill myself. we spent a total of five hours on the phone that day. three hours from 12:30 to 3:30 and two more from 8-10. both times he cried. he really thought he was going to lose me.

he was. i had a plan and everything.

looking back there were flaws, but i had to call him to say goodbye. i promised him i would.

i realized something while i was talking to him though; i can either hate what's going on and just end it, give up, or i can hate what's going on and turn it around and fix it. so i told him i wanted to fix it. that i wasn't giving up, that it would be okay.

he cried more then, harder than i've ever heard anyone cry in all the years i've been alive. he was shaking, i could tell. i couldn't understand half of what he was saying, but i knew he was choking out, 'thank you. thank you.' the best part was when he said, 'i don't think i've ever had happy tears before.'

i couldn't stop laughing at him, but it wasn't in a mean way. it was me finally, FINALLY feeling happy again. i needed that laughter. yes, me laughing made him cry harder for a minute, but it was a good crying. we both needed that release.

we keep talking about how i can't cry. i don't know why; i do this thing my best friend calls 'swallowing emotions,' which is basically where i start to feel something and i push it away. i swallow it.

i've been keeping them all in my stomach, and sometimes (especially when i eat) i can feel them there. it's the worst when someone brings up something that makes me need to feel something emotionally. it physically hurts me.

but lately i've been putting too much there because too many upsetting things are happening, so it all moved up into my chest.

my best friend was talking to me about crying and how i need to cry, and he said after school today i'm all his. we're going to find a place where it can be just us and he said 'i'll hold you until you cry. and then i'll hold you until it stops.' i about melted with the sincerity and gentleness of it. he's so sweet. what on earth did i do to deserve someone that cares as much as he do?

nothing.

i don't deserve him.

but yeah, it'll probably be a while til i post again. i'm not really into doing this at home, so...

more later.

november 19th; haven't weighed in yet

yesterday was my half birthday, today's my best friend's half birthday. he's seventeen and a half now. he's old. :)

today's been hard.

though there's a plus - i got a perfect score on a piece i did for english. my teacher only gave out 2 perfect scores in the whole grade. :)

she read it to the class and then during my study hall she called me out of class so i could bring it back to her so she could read it to the other period.

last night my best friend stayed on the phone with me for two hours cause i felt really really bad, and it was sweet of him but we kept yelling at each other and then stopping and starting up again. he's my best friend. i love him. why does everyone fight?

i get upset cause i'm stubborn, he starts the yelling cause he gets frustrated really fast, and i keep it going cause i can't talk over him when he's frustrated.

he pulled some bible verses for me, but i didn't understand why. i always understand his bible verses. it's just difficult, isn't it? trying to heal yourself alone. i can't do it, and my best friend and i both know it. i won't admit it cause i don't want to go through with what it'll take to fix everything that's wrong with me.

i'm freaked; what happens when i have a doctor's appointment? i've lost 20 pounds since i've been there, and there are scars literally all over my body. i can't hide them, i've tried. cover-up, powder... nothing works.

and now 2 of my friends, jenny and evan, are fighting. they're supposed to be a couple, but supposedly he's cheating on her with this girl named megan. she's younger than us, and she seems dangerous. sweet. but dangerous.

i'm tired of there being fighting everywhere i go. i don't want to hurt myself, i don't want to be afraid anymore.

i'm tired of feeling like this.

november 17th yet again; 128.2 pounds!

my short-term goal was 129 by sunday. i guess i wasn't shooting high enough! i'm down to 128, yall! :) yay! all this hard work, determination and pain are paying off! my original goal was 140. then 135, then 129. i made all of it! the hardest part is going to be to keep fighting, keep losing.

pain is temporary; that's what i keep telling myself to get through it all. it'll be worth it when i look beautiful.

i'm officially under the ideal weight for my size. not UNDERweight, under the ideal weight. i long for the day when i'm underweight.

i stopped trusting my scale today; it's really old and rarely gets used. instead i weighed myself on the wii fit balance board naked, and i got 128 pounds! i was so excited i did a little dance. i couldn't even contain myself.

it makes me not want to cut tonight.

i told my best friend i'd try not to. and i WILL try, but i don't know. i don't know how the rest of the night will go.

i still have homework...

bible study with him was fun though. they turn off the lights and have candles, and they stand and hold hands and pray... it's amazing. the whole time i could feel myself shaking, but my best friend was there and he kept looking at me, making sure i was okay.

he really wants me to get back with god. and so do i, but he wants it more, and i think right now i'm too focused on self-destruction to figure out what to do about god. no offense. i still love him, i do, but i don't know what to do about it, so i let it stay there.

he had to go pick up some papers from the office, and while he was doing that, i casually wandered a few feet away from him to go peek into the church.

i'm presbyterian, so we don't have a crucifix at the front of the church.

he saw me looking at it through the door, and he came over. "you wanna go in?" he asked.

i shook my head no, smiling.

"come on," he said. "it's okay." he opened the door and we walked in. the lights were off, and it was pitch black. but i could make out the shape of the cross and the body on it.

he put his arm around me and we stood there for a moment. my best friend and me, staring at jesus's limp body.

i could feel the emotions in my stomach waking up, and i quickly pulled out from under his arm and away.

he said my name and i ignored him, and then he caught up to me outside.

"you 'kay?" he asked.

i nodded, staring at my converse.

he stepped forward, wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. i rested my head on his shoulder and slowly, agonizingly, breathed in and out a few times before pulling back.

then we walked up to where my mom had parked the car. he got there first and opened the door for me, thanked my mom twice for driving me. we both said at the same time, like nothing had happened, "see you tomorrow," and that was it.

hopefully i won't do any more damage tonight.