november 17th; didn't weigh in this morning

last night was okay.

therapy went... like i expected. no tears from me, no agreement to sign the paperwork from my mom.

my best friend's not happy with me right now. we had a really long talk yesterday before i left. it was hard. i felt like i couldn't even say anything cause he looked so serious and i'm not used to that. he's really really trying to gain my trust back, and i'm fighting him. i don't want to get hurt again. it was cold outside while we sat in the courtyard alone and talked for half an hour. actually, it was mostly either him talking or both of us just sitting in silence. i was busy trying not to have a panic attack.

he noticed i was shaking and he said it, a simple statement. i've never had anyone tell me i was shaking before.

when we got up, he held me. i say that instead of 'he hugged me,' cause in all honesty, i was collapsed against his shoulder, trying not to burst into tears. when we pulled apart, he could tell i was trying not to cry, and he offered me another hug. at first i said yes, but i promised myself a long time ago that i wouldn't cry in front of him until he's leaving for college, and i hate breaking promises. so i changed my mind, shook my head.

"you sure?" he asked.

"yeah," i replied. i told him i didn't want to cry, and he said no to take offense, but that he wanted me to. he's been fighting for this for so long. and i've been fighting the tears longer than he's known they aren't coming out.

the thing that surprised me the most was that he looked like he was going to cry. i've heard him crying on the phone, and i've heard that he's cried over me from other people, but i've never seen the tears. and he's never seen mine.

last night when i got home from all the craziness that happened with my best friend and with therapy, i was so upset that i couldn't even eat. so i went up to my room and sat on facebook until i couldn't feel anything anymore. then i watched a mediocre glee and went back to my room.

i tried to fight the insomnia, but i had to give up. i turned on my light and my laptop, and i started making a cd of disney cartoon songs for my best friend's half-birthday on friday. he's going to be seventeen and a half. we're a year and 364 days apart, which i think is funny, cause we can't technically say we're two years apart cause we're not. i'm may 18th and he's may 19th, but he's '93 and i'm '95.

okay, i've got math homework due next period and i'm not done. so i'll do that now.

bye.