i cut last night for the first time on my left arm. i don't really know why because i'm right-handed, but i always cut with my left hand. but i did it with my right last night because i needed motor control because i carved my name into my arm.
after school i was talking to my best friend and i muttered, "my arm is freaking BURNing." i didn't think he heard me, but then he said what and i said what, and then he repeated what i said as a question.
i sighed and nodded. "it hurts."
"i bet," he said. "maybe it's a sign. maybe you need to stop."
"no," i countered. "it's never hurt before."
"show me," he said softly.
i looked around at all the people in the courtyard and shook my head. "no. there's people everywhere," i said.
"come here," he said, pulling me a few feet away.
"but it says my name," i argued. "i don't want you to-"
"please," he said. his tone was so quiet that i gave in, pulled up my sleeve. i left my eyes on him the whole time. his eyes widened when he saw what i'd done; the letters cut into me, the way you could see it already trying to heal over, the way he knew it would easily leave a scar.
he cleared his throat and looked into my eyes. "you're gonna be wearing hoodies for a long time, aren't you? that's not gonna come off easy."
i nodded. i've worn sweatshirts every day since i was in 6th grade. when i don't have one on, people always come up to me and go, "you aren't wearing a sweatshirt!" it's kind of funny, actually. they're always surprised at how much less i weigh than they assumed i did. the only people who knew what my body looked like were the girls i cheered with. it was kind of unavoidable for them to see me.
but anyway -
after that, we were quiet for a minute, and i let my eyes wander away from him and over to where all my other friends were standing. i left my gaze there as i said, "you know, i've never done that before."
"yeah. and let's hope it doesn't happen again."
i looked at him confused. "i've never just shown anyone my scars."
he smiled at me. "and that was a big step for you. i was actually surprised that you let me see. but i told you i'd be here for every little step you had to take. and here i am."
he opened his arms for me, and i stepped in. he gave me a casual hug since there were so many other people there, and i was okay with that.
tonight i'm meeting him at his church for bible study. i'm nervous and excited. last time i had a lot of fun, but it's a god thing, so naturally, i'm freaked. i miss god. he was always there, always. and i lost him, and it was probably the worst thing i ever did.
i've got to go pretend to eat now. wish me luck.
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